So this morning I was exchanging internet banter with DZ as happens on quite a few occasions. Our im conversation ended up on the topic of gender identity/expression. He really hit the nail on the head about my gender at least at this point in time. My internal identity is a butch female, but my expression of gender is more of ambiguous /androgynous. My expression leans towards the masculine and I have no problems with being sir'd. Having such a succinct way of explaining the "me" and color within the lines as best a non binary gender can. I'll try to continue to flush these thoughts out after finals week when I have time to brain outside of academics. I haven't actually registered for the 5k on my birthday. I should really do that once I take care of the other 300 million things happening these next 7 days.

Okay, so my journey of life has been pretty decent up to this point... nothing to out of the ordinary. This last year or so has really gotten me down. It's just hard to make yourself get out of bed in the morning when your chest is tight and you can feel your abs getting toned from coughing so often and hard. And yet I know on the grand scale of things I have it good. I have insurance, I can afford my meds(kind of... this month has been tight but paychecks will come soon). Last night I got to rock out at the Flogging Molly Concert which was awesome! It was a great escape from life to just be able to sit back and enjoy some irish punk rock. In all honesty I was probably not well enough to be there. However, as usual I won't admit defeat and stay home and rest. This morning I definitely felt better. I'm down right exhausted but breathing better than I have been the last week or so.
I'm really ready to cut out my inhaler dependency for a few weeks. I really want to be able to power walk a 5k for my birthday and I can't do that right now with the shape I'm in. I know that I'm in good enough shape for all this stuff I just need to make my lungs cooperate. I'm behaving for the most part so hopefully my lungs will do their part too.

Okay, so today I decided I needed to prove to myself that I can accomplish a goal. I have been trying to find just the right thing to do for my 21rst birthday. At first I looked on TrailNet to see if there were any interesting hikes or bike rides that day... Swing and a miss. They were 20+ milers which is a little beyond my current fitness level. So I went trolling through the internet for other cool things going on in St. Louis that weekend. I stumbled upon a 5k run/walk to raise money for ALS. This seems like the perfect thing to do. A close friend's dad has ALS and this a tangible way for me to show support.
The biggest thing that asthma has tried to take away from me these last 13 months is my ability to work out and be free to do what I want to do. I have to think about how bad the air outside is. Do I have my puffer? Should I take extra meds before I do xyz? I need to take this back. Yes, I will always have a little wheeze in my step but that doesn't mean I shouldn't stop stepping. Today, I did a test "run" at the rec. I set the tread mill and power walked with a twinge of jogging here and there. I make it 3k and would've gone farther but had to get to software engineering class.
Making it that far even though the pace I did it at puts me finishing a 5k in about an hour felt great. Little by little I'm getting stronger. I realize there are going to be and have been a fair number of road blocks along the way but C'est la vie.

So today I wasn't planning anything more strenuous than some hard core Calculus. Thus I wore a rather lacy plunge bra. It's my bra that is as sexy as you can get with a 34H. While I this bra makes me feel kinda good about myself that I have a cute bra and that my boobs look okay it also reminds me about how much of a pain having breasts can be. Contrasted with yesterday when they were smoshed into my tight jog bra they just move about so much and get in the way. Even when they are tied down to my chest under pressure control from a sports bra they get in the way. I often ponder how much easier it would be to not have them there. I don't think I am really a male inside. I'd say I'm more of an in between. I don't really like having breasts but I'm not in any hurry to chop them off. If for some reason it were to become necessary such as breast cancer, I wouldn't necessarily want them reconstructed. However, I'd say at this point live and let live. I enjoy my cargos and polos and such. At the same time, I like the ideal of lacy bras although in actual practice they just don't look right or hold me up at all. I guess what I'm getting at is that I won't be binding it all down in the forseeable future but don't expect me to put on heels or shave my legs/underarms anytime soon either.The binding is definitely a no go for as long as it's this freaking pollen filled outside. Oh Spring Allergy Season!

So I've decided to start this blog to help me process the things in my life that I can not control but are parts of my life none the less. About a month ago, I had my first real asthma flare ever. It was scary, manageable but scary. I have pretty strong lungs from all the swimming and biking I do. My asthma is pretty mild. Since that I've been scared to take the things too hard and slide back down that slippery wheezy slope. Quite frankly, I'm sick of being sick. I don't want to sound like a whiny bitch. However, I'm 20 years old when I'm well I take 6 pills and 4 puffs of my controller inhaler a day. That's just not normal at this age. I'm hoping writing about things will help me find a happier place a place where I can run in the medows and not have to think about whether I'll start wheezing and coughing and sounding like a "dying lung cancer patient" as one friend put it. I got to hang out in the woods two afternoons this past weekend. It was really freeing to know that I could make it 6 miles round trip on my bike to the hiking trail and then hike for 5 miles round trip. I made it without having to pull out my inhaler once. It was great!